


stubborn love

by pie123



Category: Black Widow - Fandom, Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers (2012), F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Spoilers, at least i'll try to fix it lol, canon divergent as FUCK
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-02-07 07:59:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18616468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pie123/pseuds/pie123
Summary: even if everything fell apart, I always thought that I would at least have youHeavy, heavy on Endgame spoilers so please beware. I absolutely do not want to spoil the experience for anybody, so please take note





	1. a eulogy, of sorts

**Author's Note:**

> Okay for the last time, SPOILERS!!! 
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> And I want to pretend that it’s not true, oh baby that you’re gone, cause my world keeps turning and turning and turning and I’m not moving on. 
> 
> (What do we love?
> 
> Hurting our poor hearts! 
> 
> When do we want it? 
> 
> Right now!)

It’s been a week since I’ve last seen you. 

It’s been a week since you told me that you would see me soon. 

But you lied. 

My eyes searched for you as I we all arrived back. I was so excited to look into your eyes and see how they would light up as you saw us all holding the stones. It only succeeded because of you. You were willing to hold us together through anything, and if it weren’t for you holding out hope for the last five years, none of it would have happened if it weren’t for you. I was waiting to tell you. I was waiting for you to come back so that I could tell you. But you didn’t come back. 

You didn’t come back. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Clint and Laura and the kids lately, because I know that’s exactly what you would be doing if you were here. They keep asking me where auntie Nat is and I don’t know how to tell them. I don’t know how to tell them when I can hardly even process it myself. 

I try my best to put on my most convincing smile. I get up everyday and go for a jog. I eat breakfast and lunch and dinner because I know that’s what you would want, but even that’s getting harder and harder. It hurts every time I remember the last time I saw you. How excited and optimistic you were then. Your eyes were sparkling and your smile pure. 

I’m still trying to convince my brain of the fact that you’re gone, that you’re not coming back. It keeps trying convince itself that you’re probably just in hiding. Maybe you’re on a mission and you’ll come back when the time is right. At least that’s what I try to tell myself. 

Because the truth is, I don’t want to accept that you’re gone. I can’t. 

For all that I’ve lost in life, I never thought I would lose you too. You were supposed to be the one who would survive. Of all the people I thought I would lose, I never thought that it would be you that I would lose. 

I couldn’t even imagine losing you. I can’t imagine losing you. 

I wonder if you knew that I loved you. I’m sure that you knew that I loved you like I did the others, but I wonder if you knew that I loved you so much more. 

I loved you even though I knew I shouldn’t. I loved you even though I knew I didn’t deserve you. I loved you even though it broke my heart to sometimes. I loved you more than anything. 

I love you. 

I love you still. 

I love you even though you were stupid enough to throw yourself off of that cliff. I love you even though I hate you right now. 

I hate that you were stupid enough to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. And I know that means absolutely nothing come from me. I know. I know. I know that you would yell at me right now if you were still here. But you’re not here. You’re not here. And I hate you for that. 

I hate that you left without even saying goodbye. Without letting me say goodbye. 

For making me say goodbye. 

But you know what I hate most of all? I hate that you’re gone and that there’s nothing I can do to bring you back. 

The world is saved, but why can’t I feel anything? Why does it feel like I’m the one that scarified everything for nothing? 

Why does it feel like it was all for nothing in the end?


	2. 2012

He’s spent far too long here already. 

There’s no time for him to be messing around like this and it gets riskier every second that he stays here. Steve stuck out like a sore thumb, and considering what’s just happened in this timeline, there probably isn’t a single person who wouldn’t recognize him. 

And if that hadn’t been risky enough, he had been stupid enough to try and seek someone out. 

His job here was done. He had prevented Loki from getting the tesseract and that was all he had been here for. 

But he couldn’t stop himself, couldn’t resist a chance to see her again, and now that he has, he can’t tear himself away. 

This is a moment that he’s lived through, it’s his life, albeit in a different timeline, but still, this had been his life in what seems like a million years ago. 

And it feel like he’s a stranger intruding on someone else’s life.

Still, he cannot tear himself away as he watches the ragtag group of six make their way to the shawarma shop. Hobbling along the broken streets of New York in their bright costumes and the high of a victory. It really was a sight to behold. 

Steve could hardly believe that it had been over a decade since he had experienced this in his own timeline. The six of them weren’t friends then. They could hardly even stand the presence of one another, but the battle had brought forth a sense of camaraderie, and they weren’t yet friends. And he knows that none of them would ever believe it if he told them how much they would come to mean to one another. They had been so young then. So inexperienced, and the grief that they would come to feel would have been unfathomable. 

He wishes he could tell the six of them to appreciate one another more. To keep in contact more often and to put their egos aside. He wishes he could tell his younger self to show them how much they really meant to them before it was all too late. 

But more than anything, he wishes he could hold Natasha close and do everything he didn’t in his timeline, say everything he had wanted to say to her. 

As he trails his younger counterpart, he sees how his gaze flicks to Natasha every once in a while, still remembering how intrigued he had been by her in that in moment. 

The pain of seeing her is almost unbearable, but he can’t tear himself away. His gaze is fixed on her fiery red hair, taking in the sight of her. It hurts a little less to see her, though. To see her alive and happy is almost a cathartic sight. Almost. But it was a painful reminder that she was gone in his timeline. She wasn’t in his life anymore. She wasn’t in anybody’s life anymore. 

It hadn’t really felt real until he had seen her. He knew that there was a strong possibility that he would see her on this mission. Steve had told himself that he would get in and get out and spare himself, but he couldn’t resist. He had to see her again, even if it hurt. Even if it wasn’t the Natasha of his world. 

He had been a fool to think that he could stay away, though. The thought had been blaring through his head as soon as he had started preparing for this mission and no matter how hard he tried to change the channel, it was like every channel was a flagrant reminder of what he didn’t have. 

This had been a mistake. It had been a ham-fisted attempt to try and fulfill some silly dream or to fill the void that was could simply never be filled. 

He had to leave. He had to get out of here. This was not his world to tamper with. He couldn’t do this. 

Steve made a move to quickly retreat. He was just about to escape their line of vision when his leg had brushed the bumper of a car in his haste to leave. If it had been anybody else, it would have probably stay put, but damn himself and all his stupid strength that had sent the bumper tumbling off. 

He should’ve made a run for it as soon as it had happened, he knew better, but he found himself lost in the green of Natasha’s eyes like he had so many times before. Nobody else had even acknowledged the clatter of the bumper as it hit the ground, but Natasha, ever the super spy, had turned her head slightly towards the noise. He had known the second that he hit the bumper that this had been inevitable, but still, he didn’t have the strength to leave the situation. 

It must’ve been only for a split second that he had been lost in her eyes, but as soon as she had looked towards the Steve Rogers of her world and whipped her head back towards him, he could see that she knew something was most definitely amiss. She was too smart to not know. His hand feverishly clutched for the device in his pocket before Natasha could alert the others of the obvious intruder. 

The last thing he saw as he left this reality was something he had thought that he would never see again. He saw the smile that he had seen so many times before. 

And somehow, he knew that she would keep his secret once again like she had so many times before.


	3. vormir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, so I feel like you all should be able to gauge the tone of chapter from the name, but it's a little angsty so buckle in folks! Always, I hope you enjoy the chapter and comments are always, always, appreciated.

Steve would’ve given anything to not have to do this. He would have done everything in his power to avoid it. He would honestly soon rather die than to have to face this, if it weren’t for the fact that the others were counting on him to do it. 

It had dawned on him almost immediately after everything ended. The dust had hardly even settled after the battle and they had just laid Tony to rest, but it was something that had to be done as soon as possible. The stones were too powerful, and they couldn’t risk it falling into the wrong hands. They didn’t have it in them to fight again, not when they had all lost so much the last time. Nobody could bear to lose anymore. 

Everybody except him, that is. There was hardly anything left for him to lose anymore. He had loved his friends and his family, loved them immensely, and had lost them all in one way or another. There was nothing and nobody that he hadn’t lost. He had to be the one to return the stones. He knew he was the only one who had nothing left to lose anymore. 

He was tired of this life of heroics and sacrifices. He was tired of those whom he loved giving their lives to saving the world. He was tired of this life of laying lives on the line. Finally, after what felt like a hundred lifetimes of being a hero, life had broken him. This life had finally broken him, torn him apart and ripped him to shreds until he was nothing but grief and pain. 

 

What the hell did it even mean to be a hero? What was the point of being a hero if it meant that you would have to sacrifice the lives of the ones you loved to be one? What was the point of laying your life on the line if you couldn’t save the ones that you loved most? He had often thought this throughout his life, but it had never resonated with Steve as deeply as it did now. 

The skies of Vormir were dark and ominous and the heavy clouds had obscured the mountains that previously held the soul stone, but somehow the darkness brought him peace. He didn’t have to pretend to be alright here. There was nobody here to see. 

The yellow stone in the palm of his hand glittered brightly against the dark surfaces of the mountain. This tiny little stone had cost a life, a soul. Had it been worth it? 

He knows that he should value the sacrifice that had to be made for them to get the stone. He knows that it would be better to be honour Nat’s memory by recognizing her brave and courageous sacrifice, but he can’t, even if it is what he should do, even if that’s what she would want. 

Because it hadn’t been worth it. It wasn’t worth it. And he knows that it sounds awful, trading trillions of lives for a few. 

“Everyone up here versus everyone down there? There’s no math there.” 

He still remembers those words clear as day despite it being nearly ten years since Natasha had spoken them. That had been a lifetime ago. Things had been different then. He hadn’t lost her then. 

The grief and pain running through his veins are white-hot and torturous, and he really doesn’t know if he can do this. His feet are trapped a pool of his own pain, holding him back from venturing further into the mountain that Natasha had so foolishly flung herself off of. He had never been the kind of person to run away from a challenge, but for the first time ever, he wanted so desperately to do so. But he’s already come this far though, and he knows what he has to do. He resolves to quickly return the stone and get out of there the minute the stone was returned to its rightful place. 

It didn’t take long for something to thwart his plan of getting in and out. He had only taken a couple of steps when a darkly clad figure materializes before him. 

“Captain Rogers, we meet again.” The shadowy figure says as it moves into the light. 

In another life, another time, maybe under different circumstances, Steve would be on the defensive. He would have paused at the voice that had haunted his nightmares every once in a while and had cost him his first life. He had been the reason that Steve was here now. He was why Steve had waken up in a different time, but now, he feels nothing. There is little that Steve fears now. He doesn’t have anything left for Johan Schmidt to take away anymore. There is no life, no dreams for him to steal away. 

“Schmidt.” Steve acknowledges calmly. The leathery red face that used to haunt him now fails to make him feel anything at all. 

“I’ve been waiting for you, Captain. You know, after I failed to gain control of the Tesseract, I was doomed to a life of protecting the soul stone. It has been my curse since then to protect the soul stone and know all those who seek to gain control of the soul stone, but I see that you are not here to take the stone, are you, Captain.” 

“I wish to return it.” 

“Very well. Follow me.” Schmidt leads Steve through the ruins of the mountain until he stops at the edge of the cliff. 

“Whoever wishes to seek out the soul stone must pay a heavy price in exchange for the stone. You must lose that which you love. A soul for a soul, but I’m sure that you already know this.” 

Steve stands side by side to the man that he had once considered his greatest enemy, but now he meant nothing to Steve. He was just a mere means to an end now. Nothing meant anything at all anymore. 

The edge of the cliff is sharp and jagged and despite how deep the chasm below is, he can still see the bottom of it. 

His breath hitches in his throat as he stares down at the chasm. The rocks below are jagged and stained red with sacrifice, and he can only imagine how cold it is b elow. He had been right to think that he was incapable of doing this. It was too much too soon. He had to get out of here. He turned to leave as soon as the stone was still gripped tightly within his fist. That didn’t matter anymore. He had to get out. 

“All important things in life require some sort of sacrifice. We must pay a price for what we want for in life. You should know better than anybody, Captain.”

‘You said- you said that this process requires a sacrifice, right? What if I were to exchange my life for hers- a soul for a soul. I’ll do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.” He says as he practically begs his own former worse nemesis. 

“I’m afraid not, Captain. There is no reversing this process once it has been completed. But because of your return of the soul stone, I can grant you the chance to see her once last time, if you wish.” Steve can hear the pity in Schmidt’s voice as he says it, but his pride, his morals, his will have all fallen away, and all he can do is nod furiously as he accepts Schmidt’s opportunity. 

He immediately places the stone into Schmidt’s hand and the rate at which the sky glows a bright yellow is instantaneous. 

“Hi?” Steve whips around immediately at the sound of the oh-so-familiar voice, his eyes immediately landing on her. He considers briefly if this was some sort of illusion that he had dreamt up in a state of desperation and grief. It wouldn’t be the first time. He saw her in his dreams and his nightmares, and as he tried to chug along in what he could only describe as the “after”, not quite living, but not yet dead. He saw her wherever he went, and it was impossible not to when the two of them had spent over a decade side-by-side. From teammates to partners and partners to friends, and then finally from friends to family, Steve couldn't even conjure up a moment in the last decade in which Natasha had not been by his side. The two of them had been damn near inseparable once they had been brought together and Steve had often thought that their lifelines had been interconnected. There was little that could ruin the relationship between them, and he had been right. Now that Natasha was gone, it felt like he had gone with her too. He couldn’t live without her. He didn’t want to. 

“You should really stop frowning. It’s not good for the wrinkles. You’re pushing forty now, you really need to get on that anti-aging skin regime.” Natasha says with her signature snark and wit, her tone light and joking in an attempt to ease the tension and sadness. Just like she had so many times before. She had quickly bounced back from the show of uncertainty that she had displayed just minutes earlier. And if Natasha had been talking to someone else, they probably wouldn’t have noticed, how could they when Natasha had always been a master at hiding her emotions and putting on a brave face? But he wasn’t just anybody, he knew her better than he knew himself, and anybody else would’ve been fooled by the twinkle in her eye, but he could still see the pain that she sought so desperately to hide away. Steve wants so desperately to run to her and hold her close, but can’t bear to move a single centimetre for fear that the illusion will shatter before him. He’s rooted in place, as does Natasha, remaining in the same spot, meters away. 

He doesn’t know what to do, what to say. Nothing seems sufficient, no words or actions can truly describe how he feels. Steve hadn’t dared imagine a situation in which he could meet Natasha again, he couldn’t set himself up for failure again. It wasn’t something his heart could handle. Still, he hates himself for not knowing what to do or what to say, especially as it dawns on him that he has no idea how long this will last, and when he’ll lose her again. 

“You lied. You said that you would see me in a minute.” Steve finally finds the courage to speak. He can feel the dampness of the tears that run down his face, but his gaze remains locked on Natasha, even as she approaches him and all the way until her arms wrap around him. He allows himself a moment of weakness to relish the warmth of her as he holds her tightly. 

“I’m sorry.” Natasha mumbles as she wipes the tears from his face despite the tears that fill her own eyes.

“I loved you, you know that? I still love you. Even though my heart rips to shreds every single time I think of you. I love you, and I don’t know what to do know that you’re gone. I’ve always loved you, but I was a coward. I was afraid of getting hurt, afraid of losing what we already had, so I didn’t tell you. And now it’s too late. It’s too late. I want to lie and tell you that I’m alright, that I’m living my life and moving on, because I know that’s what you would’ve wanted, but I can’t. I can’t move on because I loved you more than anything, anything, anybody, but you’re gone. You’re gone.” He lets out everything that had been building up inside him since Natasha had died and he knows that the sobs that wrack Natasha’s chest are because of his words, but he doesn’t know how to comfort her now even as the shattered pieces of his heart break even more for her. He didn’t think it was possible for it to hurt anymore, but he had quickly discovered that there was nothing quite as painful as the sound of Natasha’s sobs. There was nothing he could do, it was too late. 

He doesn’t know how much time passes before the two of them are all cried out, physically unable to conjure up anymore tears, but they had somehow managed to be sitting on the ground, side by side like they had spent most of the last decade. It would have almost been a tranquil moment, if not for the fact that they were on Vormir, and the situation was what it was.

It wouldn’t take much to shatter the peaceful moment between the two of them, but Steve’s next question still takes Natasha by surprise. 

“Why did you do it?” Steve asks as he looks into the green eyes that still followed him wherever he went and whatever he did. They had come to be some familiar to him, and so comforting. They were what he looked into to seek reassurance and comfort, but now there was nothing. It hurt to look into her eyes. Despite all this, Natasha looked even more beautiful than he had remembered, if that was even possible. The fiery red of her hair cascaded in the wind as the bright yellow sky glowed behind her, nothing left here but the two of them. She truly looked like an angel. 

Natasha didn’t answer immediately, she didn’t dare. It hadn’t been an easy decision, obviously, and she hadn’t regretted it because it had been for Clint, she couldn’t regret it. She couldn’t even allow herself to regret it now as she looks at the man she loves, more broken and hurt than she’s even seen him. She can’t regret it even after seeing the life that she had lost and the life that she could’ve had. Steve was right, it was too late. There couldn’t be any regrets on her part, it would only hurt him more. 

“I had to do it-it was the right thing to. We needed the stone, and it was the only way to get it. It had to be me, Steve. Clint had a family, there were people waiting for him back home. Besides, after all the bad things that I’ve done, well, it had to be me.” 

“You had family too. You had people that were waiting for you back home too. What about them? You’ve done enough for the world Nat, you’ve done so much good for the world, and that was your choice, it was all you. You paid off your debt years ago-” Steve can’t bear to be angry anymore. All he feels is grief. He hadn’t been naive enough to imagine that this could heal him, he wasn’t sure anything could. He softens his tone at the sight of the anguish in Nat’s eyes. “I was in love with you, Nat. And I never thought that I would have to say goodbye to you too. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to you. If I had known that it was the last time I was going to see you, I would’ve held you close and told you I loved you. I would’ve told you how much you meant to me and how you saved me. You saved me, Nat. And I wish I could’ve told you that. It wouldn’t have made it any easier or hurt any less, but it would’ve been something. ” 

“They’ll learn to move on, we all do.” A sad smile gracing her face as she says it, but she doesn’t cry. She can’t afford to cry anymore, not when it would only make everything hurt so much more. 

He knows the truth will only serve to hurt her more, Steve doesn’t have the heart to hurt her anymore. He doesn’t want her to hurt anymore, so he returns her smile even though he knows that it’s a lie. He can’t move on from this. He’s lost too much and this life had ended the moment that they had defeated Thanos and saved the world. He doesn’t want to live this life anymore. He can’t. But he can’t tell that to Natasha. She had spent her entire life trying to live through her pain and now it was time to finally be at peace. 

“Do you think in another time, another world, we would’ve worked out? In an ideal world, that is.” 

“I would like to think that we could’ve. I would’ve fought for you, and told you that I loved you. And I think that we could’ve been happy. I used to think that love was for children, but that was before I met the team. It was before I met you.” 

“If I had asked you run away with me, would you have?” Natasha’s answer gives him the courage to ask the question that he had contemplated so many times over the years. The same question that he had never been brave enough to ask. 

“Yes.” And for the first time, Natasha finally looked like she was at peace, and a part of him felt like he was at peace too. 

The silence fell over them once again, but it felt tranquil and calm for once. It was the first time in a while that Steve felt like he could breathe properly. He could’ve talked to Natasha for hours on end without running out of stuff to talk about, but it was more than enough to just be by her side, her hand in his. 

“Captain, I’m afraid that this is all the time I can give you.” Schmidt says as he materializes from his shadow once again before disappearing just as quickly as he came. 

Steve whips back around towards Natasha, his hands immediately reaching for her face as if he’s afraid that he has disappeared within a milli-second. He is glad to feel the warmth of her cheeks on his palms and her small hands that make to cover his, even though he knows full well that it is time for him to say goodbye now. He is thankful to have had the chance to say goodbye, a part of him has found some peace now. He knows that the rest of him will never be able to move on from her, but to be able to see her again is cathartic in many ways. He is thankful to be able to have looked her in the eyes and tell her everything that he never could before and even though he’s never done anything harder than tearing himself away from Natasha, he knows that he needs to let her finally find some peace. 

“I love you, so, so much, Steve. But it’s time for you to let go. Let me go. This life as you’ve known it, it’s over. There’s no going back. We have what we have, when we have it. All we can do is move forward.” This time, there was no anguish behind her eyes, she was finally at peace. 

“I love you too.” He wants to grab her tight as she lets go and takes a step back, but he knows he can’t. He has to let her go now. 

Despite all his talk, he hesitates to punch the coordinates into his wrist, because to do so would me finally saying goodbye to the Natasha that he’s known all this time. 

“Go.” Natasha says, giving him a little nod of encouragement and reassurance, like she had so many times before. “It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.” 

Steve’s hands shake as he finally punches in the coordinates, and his hesitates again for a moment before looking back up once again. Natasha smiles as she waves goodbye, and it’s the last thing he sees before he enters the quantum realm. 

Natasha had been right, this life as he’d known it, was over. It was time for him to move on from this life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok.. so maybe I lied. This was probably a lot angsty, or at least it was in my head. any guesses on what the final chapter will be about? 🤨


	4. 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're in the endgame now peeps! (Too soon?) thanks for following along for the ride, and the comments and kudos were much appreciated, so thank you very much!

“Let me go. This life as you’ve known it, it’s over. There’s no going back. We have what we have, when we have it. “

He’s drowning. He’s drowning and there isn’t enough oxygen in the universe to save him. His lungs have given out and his chest burns with the lack of oxygen, but he doesn’t care anymore. It’s probably for the better anyways. 

“Hey. How’s it going? You holding up alright?” Steve snaps out of his reverie as Bucky approaches where he is sitting. 

Under any other circumstance, Steve would’ve lied and put on a brave face. He would’ve spouted some bullshit about moving on and pulling up his boot straps, but not even he can believe his words right now. There was no hope left for him in this life, he had received more than his fair share of love and friendship in his life, this had been it for him. It was supposed to be it for him. But in one fell swoop, within mere hours, the world had lost two of its greatest and bravest heroes. Their families and their friends had lost them.

But how could he try and lament about the state of his life when he’s just attended the funeral of a person who gave up his life to save the world. How can he possibly explain to his daughter that her father is gone because of him? In a matter of hours, Steve had lost two of the people who had been most important to him. It is impossible to sum up the inextricable grief and guilt that he feels. 

So no, he is not holding up alright. He’s a wreck, nothing but a puddle of grief and pain. 

“If a said yes, would you believe me?” 

“Not a snowballs chance in hell, kid.” 

“Good. I’m tired of holding it together anyways.” 

“She wouldn’t want you to be like this, Steve.” 

“Don’t. Are you going to try and tell me that she would’ve wanted me to be happy? That she would want me to move on and live my life? Because I don’t want to hear it.” 

“You know what she would’ve wanted, Steve. Better than anybody else, you know that she would want you to be happy. She always wanted you to live your life.” 

“Yeah? And live my life doing what? To go on avenging the world? To keep being a hero? For what? For who? She’s not here anymore…I’m tired, Buck. I don’t want to go back to this life.” 

“So move on. You’ve done more than enough for the world. Live your life now. Wherever that is.” 

Steve is grateful for the interruption Morgan brings when she runs over to where the two of them are standing, tugging gently on his pant leg. He doesn’t know how to tell his best friend that he doesn’t want to live this life anymore. 

“Uncle Steve, mama wants to know if you want to have a juice pop with me?”  
“Well of course I would, darling. But are you going to share yours with me?”

“Hmm.” Morgan says, pretending to deliberate his question with intense thought.

“Just one bite.” Steve says, pouting his lips for extra effect.

“Only if you carry me.” 

“Ok, sweetheart. Come on up. Ready for takeoff? 3..2..1- let’s go!” And without a second look, Steve scoops Morgan up in her arms and disappears into the house, running away from the realities of life that were beginning to set in. All Bucky can do is watch as the grief and pain take shape of Steve’s life. It shapes him into someone that he’s never seen before, but then again, Steve had never lost as much as he had up until now. 

Later that night, as he creeps back down the stairs of the Stark household after having put Morgan to bed, an overwhelming sense of guilt overcomes him. He had never been in the house for long enough to notice any of the decor or the layout, but now he could see just what kind of a home Tony had built for himself. The life that he had built was right here. And he had taken him away from this life, from his family. He had finally walked away from the tragic life of a hero and Steve had dragged him right back in.

“You can’t be walking around my house looking as if you’re about to burst into tears any minute. You’re going to make me cry and then it’ll be a whole mess.” Pepper says as she turns her back from Tony’s workstation. She smiles as she always does, strong and brave, always taking on the brunt of everybody’s problems. She looks like she’s at peace, and it makes Steve feel all the more guilty. 

“Sorry. Morgan’s in bed. I should probably get going.” 

“You don’t have to feel guilty, you know. I don’t blame you, no one does. Tony knew what he was doing. He knew the risks. He never could’ve lived with himself if he didn’t do it. ” 

“I took him away from… from all of this. From you and Morgan and this life that you guys built.” Steve stutters, hardly getting the words out. The tears well up in his eyes even though he knows that he doesn’t deserve to burden Pepper with them/ 

“Tony never blamed you, Steve. He was just..angry. He always regretted what came to be between the two of you, and I know that he missed you dearly. One of his greatest regrets in life was that he spent so long being angry that he missed out on so much time with his friends.” 

“Well if it means anything at all, I regret it too. I regret it all.” 

“It means a lot, and I know that Tony knew that. It’s time for you to move on, Steve. He would want you to live your life and be happy, they both would. He always wanted that for you, and I did too. And you should stay the night, Morgan will be so excited to see her Uncle Steve in the morning. That’s the least you can do.” Steve can’t help but smile at Pepper’s little remark, despite how unsettling the words are to him, weighing heavily on his mind. 

Even in the morning as he sits in the kitchen watching Morgan eat her breakfast, Pepper’s words from the previous night are on his mind. 

“He always wanted that for you.”   
________________________________

 

It takes him less than a fraction of a second to arrive at his destination. It hadn’t taken him long to figure out exactly where he wanted to go once Natasha’s words had finally sunken in. 

His heart races as he watches from afar. Steve has come to regret so much in his life, but this moment was one that would always haunt him. The decision that he had made this day had been the wrong one, and it had played over and over in his head throughout the years. Made if he had done something differently then, things wouldn’t have played out the way they had. Maybe if he had done everything differently Tony would still be alive. Natasha would still be alive. 

Natasha and the him of 2014 stand side by side, watching over Fury’s fake gravestone. This had been a defining moment between them, and it was when he had decided to part ways with Natasha. This was the moment that he had realized that he had truly loved her. It hadn’t really hit him until this moment when they had reached a crossroad. He could’ve asked her to come with him. He should’ve asked her. Things would’ve ended up differently. But he hadn’t. He had been too scared to. Too scared to learn what might happen, too scared to love someone again only to lose them. It had all been too much knowing what he knew, but now he looked back in regret, cursing himself for all the mistakes he had made along the way. He makes his way closer, even though he remembers that moment perfectly. 

“Will you do me a favour? Call that nurse.” He knows that’s not what she really means, testing the waters, seeing what he would say. She too, was scared of getting hurt, and she had done what she had to protect her heart. And he knew that. 

He should’ve said no. But he hadn’t. Instead, he had let Natasha go, and she had left not knowing how he felt. And she had died not knowing how he felt. 

The exchange is too painful to watch. He wants to run away again, take the coward’s way out. He can’t bear to watch this exchange and watch his mistakes play out again, but this is his chance to change things, once and for all. He waits until Natasha walks away from the him and Sam of another universe, and follows her to where her car is parked, and makes sure that the other two are far out of ear shot. 

“Natasha.” He calls, meters away from where she stands now. Natasha turns around quickly at the sound of his voice, and his heart hurts at the slight look of expectation in her eyes, but the look quickly turns into one of confusion, and then caution. He hadn’t thought this far ahead in his plan, and now he was frozen in place, unable to utter a word. The pieces click into place rather quickly for Natasha though, and the look in her eyes changes from one of caution to well, a look of slightly less caution and understanding.

“You’re not the Steve of my universe, are you?” Natasha remains rooted in place, as does he. He nods, still too shocked to say anything. He hadn’t even thought far ahead enough to imagine what it would feel like to see a version of Natasha that was still alive and well, and it was both relieving and incredibly painful all at once. It cemented the fact that the Natasha he had known was truly gone. 

“We’ve met before. In New York.” She says it matter-of-factly. Natasha was sure of it. He had the same exhausted and broken look that had been seared in her brain since that moment. He was older than the Steve of her time, wearing a different suit, and a far different composure. 

“Yes.” 

“Something bad happened in your timeline, didn’t it.” 

“You always were a smart one.” Steve smiles, genuinely for the first time in a while. 

“Are you here to warn me of something? Is there a threat to this world?” 

“There’s always a threat, but no, that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to see you.” 

Natasha doesn’t say anything for a moment, taking in the sad smile that occupies his face, and she wonders what he’s seen, what could possibly hurt him this much. 

“I died, didn’t I? In your timeline. That’s why you’ve come all the way here.” Natasha doesn’t seem all that surprised to surmise her own death. She says this matter of factly like she has everything else, but Steve can’t utter a single word, once again overtaken with grief. 

“It’s okay, Steve. It’ll be okay. I’m going to be okay.” Her smile pure as she says it, and Steve cannot hold back the tears that fill his eyes as he hears those words once again. This had been harder than he could ever imagine. 

“Run away with me.” He says without a hint of hesitation, saying the words that he should’ve said long ago. “Please.” 

“Steve-“ Natasha looks torn, like she almost wants to, despite the caution and skepticism that fills her mind. “How do I know that you’re who you say you are? And what year are you from?” 

“I know you, I can prove it. I know that you’re going to go to Russia not long after this, and you’re going to find your parents. And I know that you haven’t told anybody this, and you’re not going to tell anybody for a while, but when you get there, you’re going to find two little gravestones next to a little chain link fence. And I know all of this because you told me. Two years from now. And I can tell you that the me of 2014 is a dumbass who loves you, but can’t say it, and won’t say it to you until it’s far too late, and he’ll spend the rest of his life regretting it because he’s always loved you. He was just too much of a coward to say so and he doesn’t want to live in a world without you. Not now, and not in 2023. Not at all. So run away with me, Natasha.” The words spill out of him without taking a second to catch his breath. Everything that he had wanted to say for the last ten years summed up, and no matter what happens, he’s glad that he’s said it.

Natasha doesn’t know what to say. She knows that she shouldn’t trust him so easily, but she does. It’s inexplicable, how she’s willing to believe everything he’s saying, but she does. Somehow, she knows that what he’s saying is the truth. 

“Okay. But first we need to get you some anti-aging cream, because you’re looking rough.” Natasha says, smiling. 

Her decision feels right somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i lied, this isn't really it. I kept this final chapter short because I wanted to do a couple of one shots of Steve in the past? Let's just say quantum physics is most definitely not my area of expertise, but watch out for the one shots, hopefully coming soon

**Author's Note:**

> hurt steve, broken steve, broken pie. all of us are hurt and broken. Endgame hurt me more than I could ever imagine and I was left completely unsatisfied so... here we are. Pie123, writing her pain away as per usual. I can't be the only one that's mad about how little they showed of the avengers mourning nat. I'm pretty sure that this is going to be a small collection of sadness and tears, so I hope all of you have enjoyed (i promise it'll get more satisfying as I continue on) and as usual kudos/comments are always appreciated and if anybody wants to have a good cry or an angry heated discussion (it really can go either way with me) please do!


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